Just Follow Your Heart?

So I've been thinking a lot about this today.  I have a heaviness in me for my generation of young women, and the generations to follow. In a world where Kim Kardashian is a  role model and Cosmo has the answer to all of life's problems, it seems like all around us there is the mantra,  "follow your heart". Well, I have a problem with that, and so does the Lord.  I found some interesting scriptures to back this up.  We are taught to follow our hearts, but the Word says that our hearts are to follow God. 

Interesting. Ps. 119:30. "I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on Your laws."  Ps. 119:112, "My heart is set on keeping Your decrees to the very end." Proverbs 23:19, "Listen my son and be wise, and set your heart on understanding."  So many women have made devastating choices and have ruined their lives or the lives of others because they heeded the council to "follow your heart".  Basically just go with whatever you feel like doing.  

The heart represents our emotional inner person.  The seat of the emotions is the heart.  As women, we all know that our emotions fluctuate.  We are up and then down.  That's why the Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure" (Jer. 17:9).  How many times has my heart pulled me in a direction that was potentially destructive?  You'll notice people who live by the "follow your heart" philosophy are inconsistent, in and out of relationships, and constantly changing their minds on what they want to do with their lives.  We spend to much time trying to figure out what WE want instead of diligently seeking what His will is on our life. 

Parents!  instruct your kids to follow the Word!  Seek wisdom and understand and just do the right thing even when our hearts want to do something else.  When things are tough, or complicated our hearts are weary and may long for something more pleasant. In these times, which we all can relate to, we shouldn't be trying to figure out what our hearts want (aka, our flesh), or what feels better, but what the will of God is. Hide His Word in your heart (Ps. 119:11) and follow that!

Delight yourself in Him, knowing that in time, your hearts desires will be met.  You know, if you truly delight yourself in the Lord, the desires of your heart shift and change to where you just simply desire Him alone.  Turn your heart toward wisdom.  Guard it. Trust Him with all of it.  Seek His kingdom first.  Put your flesh aside and THEN everything you want will fall into place. Instead of following our hearts, let's pursue the calling that the Lord has placed on our lives and encourage others to do the same.

-Maria

How Do I Know if He's "The One"?

I thought I might give a little testimony to the power of surrendering to God's will.  Because really, that's what it all boils down to.  God's will over our own will.  What I have to say in this post will only matter to you if you are at a place in your life- in your walk with Christ- where you truly want only what HE wants for you in the area of your relationships.  Do you truly want only God's best that He has hand picked for you?  Do you truly want to advance His Kingdom single or not?  Do you really believe His promises?

How do you know if you are in God's will or your own in regards to the man your interested in? Well, ultimately, only you can know that for sure.  But, here are some things that may indicate one way or the other.

 Are you in place in your walk with God where you are filled with His Holy Spirit and have regular communion with God on a daily basis?

This is of utmost importance in waiting for the right mate, because if you are not filled with His Spirit, how do you expect to hear his voice and feel his gentle leading?

With that said here are a couple questions to ask yourself when trying to identify the mate God has selected for you. If the answer to any of these questions is "no", than you need to do some serious soul searching and prayer to ask God what is the right step to take moving forward. Be honest with yourself and to God. Trust Him completely that if this one you're interested in, or even in a relationship with isn't the one, He has someone so much BETTER for you than you can possibly imagine. Trust me, the pain and loneliness of being single doesn't hold a candle to the pain and despair of being married to the wrong one. As my mom once told me in response to my whining about being "alone", "Maria, just because you have someone sharing a bed with you doesn't mean you'll never feel lonely." You have to sort out your own issues of insecurity, trust in God, faith in His promises, and ability to wait, before you'll ever find fulfillment in a man.

Here goes...

1. Does he challenge you to live up to higher standard in your walk with Christ?

- As a husband, God has ordained him to be the priest of your home. Someone who you can trust with the big spiritual decisions. You will be working together, but ultimately the weight of the spiritual well-being of your home falls him. Can you trust this man as the priest of your home? Someone who will hold you and your children accountable to a deeper relationship with God? Someone who will be a pastor to you in addition to your husband.

2.  Does he treat your parents with respect.  Does he enjoy their company and does he respect their authority over you?

-  If he has a problem fitting in with your family, there is a problem.  Marriage is a package deal.

-  If he has a difficult time abiding by the rules and parameters established by your parents within the courtship/relationship, red flag.

3. Are you in love with who he is now, or who he'll be some time after you've fashioned him into the man you're hoping he'll be?

- Don't get me wrong. In marriage both the man and woman grow and learn through each other, resulting in maturity. But, if what is keeping you hanging on in a relationship is the hope that one day he'll change into the godly man you want him to be, you could be setting yourself up for a real disappointment. And I'm not just talking about spiritual traits here. How is he with money? How is he with his friends and family? Is he trustworthy? Is he wise?

4. Can you really, truly, honestly be completely, totally, fully yourself with him?

-If you feel the slightest pressure that you need to be a certain way or act a certain way with him that isn't a true representation of who you are, it's wrong.

- If there is anything that you feel you can't be open about yourself to him...any subject you feel Ike you can't broach, and topic of conversation you need to steer clear of, it's wrong.

- If you feel self-conscious about yourself around him, it could be wrong.

5. Since engaging in a relationship with him, have you grown closer to God?

- This should be obvious, but I know what it is like to be caught up in the emotion of love/lust. You start slacking on your responsibilities and commitments, especially in church.  You devote more time to dates and late night phone conversations than to prayer and fellowship with Him.  When it is right, God will be the center of the relationship. You will be inspired to serve.  You will be praying together! God will come first, and your walk with Him will grow more intimate. Thus, my next question...

6. Is there a struggle to maintain sexual purity within the relationship?

- It's completely natural to have sexual desire for the one you love. But, when Christ is the center, each of you should be so focused on maintaining the other's purity that you will do whatever it takes to do so until the appropriate time- marriage. Limit alone time. Have accountability partners. Whatever it takes. One of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. If you feel like you're losing control, then you are not walking in the Spirit. If you are in a situation where you have compromised in the area of purity, know this, God still loves you. I still love you, but you need to make a change.

7. Are you both "one" spiritually?

- You're not going to agree on everything. Your differences can make your relationship stronger! But, trust me on this- you must see eye to eye on areas of doctrine and beliefs. You must be one in spirit. Your standards of holiness must be compatible. (Amos 3:3) Your callings that God has put on each of you must somehow compliment each other. If you're called to be a missionary to China, God isn't going to pair you up with someone who isn't called to some form of missions as well. Your callings and giftings will be unique to each of you, but they will compliment each other beautifully, if it is right. You should never feel like you need to put aside the dreams and passions that The Lord has put in you for the sake of a relationship with someone.

8. Is there peace?

- This one is key. Hear me! If you feel like you need to give yourself a sales pitch about this guy-  convincing yourself that he is the one- then he is not the one! If your asking yourself, "is he the one?", than you don't have peace! He may be an amazing person- even one who meets all the criteria that I've written, that doesn't necessarily mean he is the one! There are a lot of nice, good, even godly guys out there. That doesn't mean that they're THE guy. You must have peace. And those closest to you will have peace, as well. A knowing. And once you know, you know. Really, in any decision in life, if there is a wrestling, or a back and forth, then the answer is most likely no. And ultimately only you can make that decision. Be honest with yourself. Don't ignore that gnawing in your gut. That could be the Holy Spirit saying, "wait, I have something better for you." Don't fear that this one who has feelings for you is the last one who ever will!

Please, if your single or in a relationship, or even engaged, take what I have written to heart. I am writing from experience here. I know what it's like to be alone...it's tough.  I also know what it's like to be with the wrong one...not fun. And by the grace of God, I know what it's like when it's right! Believe me, it is worth every day...month...year...of waiting. Trust God with your whole life!  It truly is worth it!

Encouragement for Step-moms Part 2

The next couple pieces of advice are things that I haven't fully accepted and I haven't fully overcome.  It's a daily struggle. And not just for step-moms.  All women struggle with the past.  And we all need constant reminders of God's grace to overcome and move on.

So in handling the day to day life as a step-mom, here are a couple more tidbits of wisdom and advice that I have learned and I am still learning.

1. Never compare yourself to the women in your husband's past.  

Enough people are already going to be comparing you.  Some may even mean well in doing so.  It's hard when people say things in comparison, even when they're in your favor-  I know.  Sometimes it would be nice to be recognized as YOU and not as your husband's "new". So in light of this, do yourself a favor.  Tune it out.  Accept the intended compliment.  And also accept that some people may not like you.  Accept that you are YOU and your husband chose YOU.

Whether you compare yourself to your spouse's past in a positive light or a negative light-  either one is dangerous.

The first type of comparison tears down.  It puts unnecessary pressure on you to measure up to something that doesn't even matter! When you beat yourself up over how you cook, clean, look, and what you weigh, in light of your spouse's past - that is a miserable life!  The pressure mounts up and you can't fully enjoy the gifts in life that you have. And you can't appreciate the unique traits that make you YOU.  When you get in that pit, and all women have experienced that pit at some point, it affects all those around you - your spouse, your kids, your step-kids.  And potentially leads to depression.  Give it up.  Talk about it with your spouse.  Talk about it with a trusted friend who will give you Godly counsel and encouragement.  Don't bottle it up.

The second type puffs up.  We all like the feeling of knowing we're better at something than someone else.  Especially if it's our husband's ex-girlfriend or ex-wife!  That doesn't make it right.  It's vanity. And it's sin. This type of thinking also adds pressure.  Now there is pressure to stay better...stay on top.  Fighting for nothing.  Dangerous.

The only person you ever need to compare yourself to is Christ.  He is the standard.  He is the one to strive to be more like every day.

2. You must forgive.

This may seem like a no-brainer.  But, even when I am madly in love and fully devoted there is that little weed of unforgiveness that can creep up at the most inopportune times.  I hate to admit but there you have it.   And the weed needs to be dealt with by the root, not just chopped off.  It's easy to think about the pain or situation you may be feeling in the moment due to the past of others, but don't forget the pain that those others went through too.

Nothing exposes our own issues quite like marriage.  I'm thankful for it all though.  And as I said in the beginning, I am still learning these lessons.  It really is a daily battle.  That is where God's grace comes in.  I have to ask the Lord for strength to love, forgive and only compare myself to Him.

~Encouragement for step-moms~ Part 1

When I married my husband not only did I gain a partner for life and a best friend, I also gained the opportunity to be a part of the life of a sweet, beautiful little girl, Melody.  She was three when we met and four when her daddy and I married.  Melody is six now.  Through this time I have been blessed to have a very strong and close relationship with my step-daughter.  With her being so young when we met, I had an advantage that a lot of step-moms don't get.  She has very little memory of me not being in her life.  That has helped maintain a closeness between us.

It was a bit overwhelming at first-  not truly knowing where I stood in her life.  Balancing the emotions of attachment and then separation since the custody is shared.  It was very easy for me to be a mother to her (nurturing her, buying her clothes and shoes and toys, dressing her, feeding her, caring for her when she is sick, etc)  when she was with us, but then have to completely let go of it all when she wasn't.  You get close and then realize...wait...she's not mine.  And that's okay.  That's part of the deal.  The role is full of challenges and struggles and blessings and every situation is unique.  

There were some very choice pieces of advice that were given to me before Austin and I married that really helped me through the process and help me still.  I thought I might share them with you all out there.  

1.  You are NOT her(or his) mom. 

This was hard for me to understand and accept at first.  In so many ways I felt like her mom and wanted to be her mom, but the truth was she had a mom already.  I must respect that and guard my emotions accordingly.  This helps when there are instances when the child naturally wants their mom.  At first, if Melody would ask for her mom, I would get sad, thinking, "I'm right here!"  But, I had to think about how natural it is for her to feel that way and not let it affect my emotions-  and not take it personally. I know she loves me too. :)

2. When the children are at your home, you may not be their mom, but you are THE mom.  

What this means is when your step-child is at home with you, you maintain your motherly role at all times.  That means, you love them like a mom, discipline like a mom, and take care of them like a mom.  There is no favortism or difference in treatment from the step-child to your natural child.  And your authority is always respected and maintained.  This also allows the child to trust you in knowing that you are there for them no matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes this can be an emotional work-out, but it is vitally important. 

3. You and your husband must be united at ALL times.  

In every decision, stance, or value, the two of you must be completely in sync.  This unity must also be displayed on a regular basis in front of the children,  Never open a door that could possibly allow the child to play one parent over the other.  Be sure to communicate EVERYTHING with your spouse in regards to discipline and up-bringing. Even if you don't agree with each other on everything, be careful not to display that in front of the kids.  

More to come...

If I can offer any more encouragement to you in your situation, please let me know.  What are some pieces of advice that helped you adapt to being a step-mom?